Working parents work at home and at their jobs. Data suggests a typical stay-at-home parent works 98 hours per week, with no time off. A parent who also works a traditional job is working for the employer as well as for their family and household. It’s a lot. A lot a lot.

Over the past 13 years, I’ve learned about how to be a parent, how to be a partner, and how to have a job. The mental load of managing a family, a household, and a career is real, and it is rarely distributed equitably. These five foundations have helped our family of two working parents share the mental load better. We accomplish what we need to, enjoy the day-to-day, and don’t just live for the weekend. I hope any working parent can take something helpful from this post, whether you work in the home, out of the home, or both.

Foundation 1: Family values + house rules

How it helps: Anchors our priorities and sets expectations for the household.

This activity can be adapted as your children age; when they are young, you as the parents are setting out the values and rules. As they get older, you can engage the children in talking about and adding to family values and updating house rules.

For us, this looks like:

We try to do quarterly family meetings to check in about skill building, chores, refresh family values and house rules, and talk about our experience with and need for boundaries around tech use.

Family values guide so much of what we do:

• When there are sibling dust-ups, we point to the values on the fridge. Are you living into XYZ value right now? If not – we’ll use the values to help us regroup.
• When we are deciding how to donate time or money, we go to our values and see what is best aligned.
• When we have discipline issues with the kids – revisit the values to see what we have all agreed to as most important to us.
  

Foundation 2: Not everything can matter the most

How it helps:  Helps us determine what matters MOST at THIS time.

“Not everything can matter the most” is probably one of the most repeated phrases in my house. So much so my kids start rolling their eyes before I even finish my sentence! It’s true though. Think about how overwhelmed you are if everything feels like it has the same weight. It’s not possible to bear! I ask myself and my family this all the time: what DOES matter the most in any particular situation? Where can you release the pressure for things to matter and let some stuff go? I feel like this is a particularly vital question for working parents because we cannot, in fact, do it all.

Does it matter how the dishwasher is loaded?
Do all the clothes need to be turned right side out?
Can recycling sit in a pile by the back door until someone goes out?
Can you use paper plates for summer break so you aren’t running out of clean dishes by lunchtime?

This guiding phrase applies especially to times of major transition, like immediately postpartum, moving homes, busy sports or work travel seasons, summer break, etc.

For us, this looks like:

• Kids clean bedrooms once a week; day to day doesn’t matter to me.
• We run the dishwasher every day, whether it’s full or not. It’s more important to me to keep it running/cleared out than to wait until it’s absolutely full.
• We do laundry once a week, all at once. If you want something clean at a different time, you’re on your own (and kids start doing their own laundry when they are 10 years old).
• Ready-to-grab snacks: we spend more $$ for sure, but convenience is important to me right now. Chomps meat sticks, single-serve bags of nuts, protein bars, fruit cups, Uncrustables, and Babybels are essentials! 

Foundation 3: Family/Work balance isn’t real

How it helps:
Lets go of the idea of balance and instead, builds a framework for decision-making.

I know you know the feeling of dropping one thing (work) to pick up another thing (family life) and back and forth, back and forth. It’s never a balanced set of scales, so why strive for that?? I try to look at the month/week/day and see where I can delegate tasks, delay something to another time, recruit help from another person, or batch work or home tasks to free up some space. This doesn’t make balance exactly, but it does give me opportunity to shift work, family responsibilities, and fun into a framework that feels more balanced to my mind and body. Building a predictable family routine, even a loose one, reduces decision fatigue and frees up mental space for what actually matters the MOST to YOU. Working parent or not – we’re all looking for frameworks and fewer decisions.

Tools I use:

• Focus on the day at hand (I use a “Ta Da” List for this – I’ll share that with you soon!)
• Map out a framework for a season, then a month, then a week, then a single day
• Keep it flexible
• Set some routines—example, I always meal plan on Friday or Saturday and schedule a big grocery delivery for Saturday or Sunday
• Decide once—this is a core tenet of “The Lazy Genius,” Kendra Adachi (she has an excellent podcast that I listen to and learn from nearly every week).

What can you simplify by deciding about it one time? 

For us, this looks like: 

• Bring the same snack for soccer games AND I buy the snacks in bulk when they’re on sale
• Always have “soccer pasta” after rec team practice each week
• Have the same 4 lunch options for school lunches
• Always have takeout on Friday nights 

When you “decide once,” it frees up brain space for other things, so you can focus on what DOES matter the most to you right now. This is a strategy *anyone* can use, whether you’re a working parent, a stay-at-home parent, or not a parent!

Foundation 4: Have fun

How it helps: Rest, bond, and have something to look forward to.

From the book Tranquility by Tuesday, my main takeaway was to schedule fun into each week. My kids always want to know the schedule—kids love a routine and the ability to anticipate what’s coming up (and of course, we adults love that too!) Once we’ve had one “fun” thing, they ask “what do we have to look forward to next?”

It’s a motivator on hard or long days —“We get to go out to dinner on Friday,” or, “Cousins are coming over Saturday.” It doesn’t have to be expensive or require travel — just a fun activity inside or outside the house that allows for time together and growing your bond.

Some recent favorites:

• Staying for both middle school varsity and JV soccer games and bringing a picnic dinner
• Weekend roadtrip to visit a new baby cousin
• Online shopping for seasonal clothes and shoes (HOW do they grow so quickly?!)
• Looking forward to hosting a family gathering
• Talking about summer break plans
• Going to the grandparents’ house for cocktails and dinner every Saturday night
• Family tennis match, pickleball, or walk on the greenway
• The kids love getting a Sonic drink and going for a drive!

We all work hard as kids in school and parents who work jobs and care for those kids and the home, so we deserve to be celebrated with fun on the regular!

Foundation 5: Share the load

How it helps: Establish care of the home as a job for everyone.

Many of you are familiar with the “Fair Play” book and program that’s been really popular the last couple years. And for good reason! Our generation is finally getting good—or at least better—about sharing the parenting and home management load among both parents/partners AND the children. At our house, we say “teamwork makes the dreamwork” and “this is everyone’s house.” There is no one job that belongs to a certain gender or age role. Divide out the tasks and conquer them. Notice what needs to be done, and DO IT. Teaching the kids to notice things takes YEARS of repetition, and we’re juuuussst starting to see the fruits of that. They’ll take a drink out of the fridge and replace it with one from backstock without being reminded now! Still working on leaving trash everywhere ;o)

Example: Everyone can pack a diaper bag/sports bag/snack bag. This is not a special skill that only mothers possess. If it’s hard for one partner, that’s ok. We can do hard things. Make a list and stick it on the wall. Share a note in your phone so everyone has the same list to work from. Practice until you get it! Working mom, working dad – no job belongs to any one set of people.

For us, this looks like:

• Weekly check in about what the calendar looks like and who needs to do drop offs and pick ups day to day. This can change in real time some days, but we try to have a plan
• Each partner taking care of tasks so completely that the other has zero responsibility. This is what Fair Play is all about. My husband and son always mow the lawn. I don’t think about it and don’t even know how to turn the mower on. 
• Husband unloads/reloads the dishwasher while listening to a work call.
• Dad can take kids to a doctor visit just like Mom can.
• Mom plans meals and orders groceries, and husband and kids do the pick up and put it all away.
• Kids do their own laundry.
• Kids wash dishes and sweep floors – might not be perfect, but remember, not everything can matter the most! And–this is how kids learn what it takes to care for a family and a home.

Whether you’re a working parent or grandparent or somewhere in between, I want to hear what’s working for you! What are your best strategies? Did you find something useful that you can adapt to your family’s needs? Comment here on the blog or go to this post @proparentsprep on Instagram and share with us!